March 21, 2023
Traffic
One of my favorite experiences on this trip is (you'll never believe this one) ... Traffic! I'm fascinated by it. Some roads are many lanes wide; some just a few feet. Regardless, they are usually packed, busy busy busy in all directions. At any one time filled with some or all of the following: motor scooters, bicycles, motor cycles, pedal powered tuk tuks, electric and gas driven rickshaws, cars, SUVs, buses, person-pulled carts, dogs, goats, cows (as the holiest animal in India, they have right of way), beggars without functioning legs scooting on wheeled platforms (oy...), shopkeepers calling us to their wares and much much more. People of every persuasion moving with and dodging all of the above. All to the sounds of endless honking. The first time I was here, three years ago, I thought the honking signaled impatience. Now I hear it as "I'm on your left, I'm in your right, coming up behind, hello hello 👋.” Voluminous friendly chatter to keep this massive, chaotic school of many fishes flowing in the same general direction. It's a miracle it all works as it does!
Never Quiet
Can you call a place noisy if it's never quiet? I may need to go ask a baba (wandering spiritual 'father'). We seem to regularly attract members of the Speaking Loudly Outside Our Room Society. They are in stiff competition with the Purveyors of Banging and Clanging and the many finalists for coveted spots in the International Honking Olympics. Not to be outdone, all this is provided not one, but multiple simultaneous overlapping, soundtracks from the ongoing friendly feud between the collectives, My Autotuned Bollywood Themes Go To Eleven and Our Spiritual Ragas Are Older Than Sound Itself. Then there are the numerous spoken word artists "Sir, where are you going? Sir, want a taxi? Sir, come in my shop. Sir, good deal for you. Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!.” I'm thinking of starting my own record label, getting some of these men (it's always men) together and seeing if "Spice Guys" has legs. Sign up in the comments for the earliest info on upcoming tours!
"What time do they start burning the bodies?"
There's something you don't hear, or say, every day. But there it was, it had been said and now hovered awkwardly over the morning coffee. Oh right, context. We were planning tomorrow, our last day in Varanasi. Looks like this... 5:30 am sunrise boat ride on the Ganges, 6:30 pm nightly big ceremony, sometime in between visit Manikarnika Ghat (the primary "burning Ghat", hence the initial question. Context achieved!). Turns out it's going 24/7, which happens to be the same rate at which people are "shuffling off this mortal coil.” Supply and demand in symbiosis?
Vegetables
For a country and culture that eats primarily vegetarian, it sure is hard to find vegetables. Here's what we've eaten in that regard... Potatoes, peas, potatoes, cauliflower, potatoes, spinach (or we've tried to, they're always out), potatoes, okra, potatoes. And also, potatoes, potatoes, potatoes. These starch bombs are served alongside rice and bread so my carb intake is thru the roof. Let the bloating commence!
When you do surreptitiously encounter a wayward vegetable, it's cut into small pieces and mixed into a sauce, which is unfailingly delicious but does further dilute the vegetative percentage of one's meal intake. My dreams are now populated by leafy greens, my sense of Nirvana has become dominated by chard. When I start fantasizing about dinosaur kale, I'll know it's time to seek help.
Bountiful Bureaucracy
I recently read an article in the (English language) Times of India that I am assured is not atypical. Back in 1996 the government passed a law allowing qualifying individuals to contribute a higher percentage of their salaries into their pensions. A recent announcement either extended or expanded some aspect of this, I'm not sure. It's clear though that I’m not the only one confused as the reporter had dug into the program as a result of the unclear announcement and found both the announcement and terms of the program itself unclear and confusing. And it turns out he and I are not alone either as over the 27 years of this government program NO ONE has enrolled. No one. And yet there is apparently a department of people responsible for monitoring this program, for answering this reporter's questions, for even extending or expanding aspects of a program that no one has ever used, because apparently the rules are so internally conflicting that no one can qualify. Or perhaps simply by qualifying you disqualify yourself. Or vice versa. Whatever that might mean.
I will be bookmarking this for myself, to refer to when my own country's bureaucracy frustrates me. In the meantime, I might see if I can get a job in this department, it sounds like the workload is light, lots of moving around pieces of paper in colorful triplicate and rubber-stamping things, and that long lunches and the like might be the norm.
Blanket Thieves
Attention United Airlines Headquarters, attention United Airlines Headquarters, we have identified and are tracking possible absconders of three of your in-flight provided blankets. We have good reason to believe they have also absconded with two similar blankets from Vistara Airlines. Our agents have overheard them praising the blankets for being the right balance of thin, warm, light and portable, useful for staying warm, wearing as an in-room sarong, good as an emergency towel and an excellent sheet beneath questionable hotel blankets. However, in spite of their positive sentiments, they are nonetheless criminals on the run and we are standing by to apprehend them, should that be your desire. We patiently await your kind reply at your earliest convenience...
India Feeds Me
Everywhere we go, food food food. Mother India will not let us go hungry. Feeding feeding, Mother India won't leave us alone. On a couple domestic flights, an "executive class A/C" train ride, at the fancy hotel (and even the not fancy), everywhere on the streets, the meal schedule and food options are relentless.
What are one hour flights doing with meal service?! We're barely up before we're headed back down and in between I'm offered a full meal and beverages and I think a snack too, it's all a caloric blur.
Mother India can rightfully take her place in the "I Love You Now Take Seconds You Look Rail Thin" Hall of Fame, joining Italian and Jewish moms in a federation to see each of us put on another solid ten pounds.