What We Avoid

Enneagram teachings on encountering the difficult.

Image: Quotation Celebration

We recently hosted a weekend spiritual retreat at our house. My wife Erin offered the traditional satsang of her Advaita (nonduality) lineage. And, drawing from the spiritual teachings of the Enneagram, I guided us through an exploration of the “Avoidances.”

For those new to it, the Enneagram is a set of ancient teachings about the workings of the Divine in and through our lives, though it has been popularized recently as a personality-typing system, an aspect of its wisdom that is useful albeit limited.

As the moniker conveys, the Avoidances are feelings we try hard to exclude from our lives. Why then, as part of our spiritual work, would one choose to delve directly into feelings we’d rather avoid? Why not explore other, cheerier aspects of the Enneagram, such as the Holy Ideas (ways in which we experience the Divine) or the Virtues (our admirable characteristics)?

The answer lies in the fact that such “positive” aspects aren’t revealed to us, in a sustained fashion, as a result of looking for them. Meditating and wishing that good things will appear, or taking up a practice to bring about certain desirable emotional states may work sometimes; yet, pursuing such states is ultimately a trap. Erin refers to this as “state-chasing.” State-chasing can give us the idea that we are in control, that we are in charge. It can bias us toward certain experiences and emotions. It can also cause us to have negative feelings about ourselves and other states when they naturally occur.

The basis for this type of seeking – strongly preferring some states over others – is the same energy that gives rise to the Avoidances.

In my experience, “positive” states and experiences are a side effect of engaging with what is here, right now, even though what’s in front of me is sometimes unpleasant, uncomfortable, even frightening or painful. Turning away is not the way; rather, “the best way out is always through” (Robert Frost, “A Servant to Servants”). The most self-honest action is to face what is arising while being present, allowing, and open. Then, things may shift. Or they may not. No guarantees. The negative and the difficult may transform or give way to the positive and enjoyable. Or not. It’s unlikely to stay the same, as things are always changing. There’s no formula, no calculation that can predict what happens next. The best bet is to cultivate a posture of openness.

Facing the difficult appears to provide some ground for glimpsing the positive. The experience of wholeness of ourselves and the world comes when we open ourselves to everything, not aiming only for something we want.

Image Credit: Sandra Maitri’s The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram

What Are the Avoidances?

Sandra Maitri, in her excellent book, The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram (2000), names the Avoidances as below. For those familiar with the Enneagram, I’ve put the associated type numbers in parentheses.  

·       Anger (1)

·       Self-Judgment (1)

·       Neediness (2)

·       Failure (3)

·       Despair (4)

·       Sadness (4)

·       Emptiness (5)

·       Deviance (6)

·       Pain (7)

·       Weakness (8)

·       Conflict (9)

According to the Enneagram, each of the nine types finds one or two of these Avoidances abhorrent and threatening. I think we’d agree that these are feelings we’d like to experience as little as possible. Their presence is often painful. Ironically, in our efforts to avoid or minimize our experience of these states, we cause ourselves far more difficulty. When we are in the midst of them, we struggle to find a way out; yet, in actuality, the way out is through – to open to and experience them. Much of our lives can be taken up with trying to build walls to resist these experiences. When we are thus occupied, we are not truly living. In spending our time trying to stay free of these states, we are their prisoners.

Our relationship to the Avoidances can be transformed. If we stay with them when they arise, neither turning away nor being consumed, they will pass of their own accord. It may take an excruciatingly long time at first, but it does eventually happen. With experience, we’ll feel less uncomfortable when they appear. Without feeding them our fear and dismay, they may not loom as large. Eventually, though they arise, we may find they aren’t problems we need to solve, crises we need to become upset about. They are part of the flow of normal human experience.

After we are no longer trying to avoid the Avoidances, what will we call them?